52 Weeks of Gratitude: Week Nine!

Okay I’m late again…. I really need to get back on track, guys. My life has been chaotic. I had 3 jobs, plus helping out at the yoga studio. Then I quit two of the jobs, but then picked up babysitting for a few weeks. Now I have started school, have only one job, no babysitting, and working at the yoga studio ends in 2 weeks. So now I would like to think I will have more time, but I know school is basically equal to two jobs.

SO: I PROMISE to plan my time better so I’m not neglecting my blog…because let’s be real here, I’m pretty sure my 9 subscribers aren’t going to die if my blog fades away, but I might. If you are a first time reader… subscribe! I’m not this much of a hot mess usually. –Okay…you caught me, I am… but still…aren’t we all?–

Alrighty, now that I have given you a plethora of excuses, let’s move on to 52 Weeks of Gratitude: Week 9…How I feel then, and how I feel now.

I am really stoked about this post because I have noticed an immense difference in myself since I have started this.

How I felt then: ummm… I was kind of an angry ungrateful human being. I think I was just unhappy with where I am at in life. I had expectations of myself that I didn’t meet, and I think I kind of hated myself for that. As I mentioned in my very first post, I was kind of an eff-up for 3 years. I saw old classmates graduating, starting careers, getting married, and having babies. They all partied, but now they were successful…I was mad at myself for not being able to do the same.  Once I decided I wanted more in life than alcohol, weed and boys, I was already super far behind with my life plans. Nothing that I had or did was ever good enough for myself. I had a really hard time finding a silver lining, so it was really easy to be negative. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy that I had the courage to try to turn my life around, but the anger towards my past decisions overshadowed all the good stuff.

How I feel Now: Of course I still have my hard moments, but that’s all they are; moments. Since I have started my blog and 52 weeks of gratitude I feel so much happier. To take time once a week to think about what I am grateful for, has opened my heart and mind up to self love and outward love. —I don’t know if that is a real phrase…”outward love” …I’m going to define it as it sounds: Love towards everything and everyone outside of yourself.–   Now I find myself, through out the day, thinking about all the people, things, events, etc. that I have to be thankful for.

Let me tell you… If you are ever having a poopy day, just make a list of everything you have to be grateful for and just keep writing until you don’t feel so poopy. I used to bottle my emotions up —I mean for YEARS.– and then… I think when I found someone who truly loved me for me, I just let everything go and all these emotions have just been flooding through ever since. I never knew how to cope with them. All I knew how to do was instinctual to the human body…AKA: Cry. Now that I have started writing —even though I am not spilling all my dirty secrets–  I have learned how to digest my feelings and emotions and process them like a semi-normal human being (most of the time).

I am so so so so beyond grateful that I found that little 52 weeks of gratitude picture on Pintrest because I believe it has made me a better person.

“Emotions make us human, Denying them makes us beasts” – Victoria Klein.

Choose human over beast. ❤