Taking Steps Forward

Okay guys! I am starting another fitness adventure! This morning, I officially registered to run a 5k race! I am excited for the race because:

  1. it will get me on the track to train for the half marathon in Big Sur
  2. because this race is for a cause that I want to be apart of.

The race is called the Stand up and Run 5k/10k+Fun run. The purpose of the race is to empower survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking.

Back in June I posted about rape culture. I touched on the fact that I am a survivor of sexual assault. So I would like to talk a little bit more on the topic.

The first thing I would like to say is:  writing about this topic is extremely difficult. Of course the actual thought of that night is horrible in itself, but what is the most difficult is how to word it, or how to talk about it. When I talk about events in the news, or in a strictly intellectual context, I will use the word rape, molest, sexual assault, etc. But when it comes to myself… Something stops me from being so direct.

I use words and phrases like… “that night”…”It”…”This topic”…What’s hard to say and/or type is one phrase: I was raped…. yep, I can feel you cringing because I am too. rape is such a harsh word. I feel like I always have to be careful when I am talking about it because it feels like people act weird once you say that word. I know people get uncomfortable with this topic because they may not know what to say or how to act, but I also know that my own insecurities alter the way I talk about it.

I feel like minute I say that word to someone, sh*t suddenly gets real. All the sudden, it’s not a topic I’m discussing on an intellectual level anymore. It is now personal, invasive, and I’m suddenly vulnerable to looks of pity and questions I am not prepared to answer. its all done with good intentions, but I still get nervous talking about it on a real level.

Also, I have no idea if I’m just imagining the weirdness or if I’m subconsciously judging my self. While I do understand that it wasn’t my fault, sometimes I forget and have to remind myself that I am not to blame. So for the sake of getting real and uncomfortable I am going to use the word rape.

I would like to give a little back ground information as to why this run is so important to me and why I would like to not only run in the race, but why I also want to fundraise for it. **Warning: it is some intense stuff**

So here we go:

In 2011 I was raped.I had been dating this guy for a week or so,he was supposed to be my boyfriend, but when I didn’t want to have sex with him, he decided to do what he wanted anyways. I had planned not to tell anyone, but then a group of his friends approached me at work to ask me why I was such a slut… how could  I “hook-up” with him, and then let him go to a party on my campus  to hook-up with other girls. I was pissed, hurt, and humiliated… I couldn’t believe that after what he did to me, he had the audacity to tell men on base that I was a slut.–looking back, I can’t believe I was shocked over that.– I lost it. I broke down and told them (and my manager) what really happened.That the bruises weren’t from walking into a door, and that I never gave him permission to touch me. I think that was the first time I saw that look of pity that I hate so much. The guys that had approached me obviously felt like asshats, but also had no clue how to react. Although I didn’t want to tell anyone, my manager convinced me the best thing to do was to press charges, to prevent this from happening to anyone else. I knew she was right, and I was ready to take a stand. Long story short, his dad had a lot of pull in the military, and the charges were dropped. (Which of course messed me up)

I have also dealt with other abusive situations and relationships. A date where a guy thought it was funny to put me in a head lock and choke me in a movie theater because I wouldn’t obey him. –yep I said obey, like I was a dog.–  When I flat out told him I would pass out before I obeyed him, he held on for a little bit longer until he saw I wasn’t going to back down and then let go. Needless to say, I ran for the hills.

The last abusive relationship I was in was the hardest. It didn’t become abusive until I was already head over heels for the guy. For the first few months of the relationship he put up this really sweet demeanor. He was a professional manipulator. He would cheat then make me believe it was my fault. I wasn’t in control over my body or my mind.  Even years after dating him, he would get me to feel sorry for him. It took a lot of time to realize that I did nothing wrong in the relationship.

My whole point of sharing this much detail about my past is to show that rapists can get away with their actions,  –we all have seen this in the news recently– there are still people out there who think its okay to use intimidation to control their significant other, and just because someone’s not hitting you, doesn’t mean it’s not an abusive relationship. We need to stand up against these people and let them know that we, as a society, are not tolerating it anymore. We also need to stand together and offer a support system to the people that have endured this kind of trauma. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have a support system back then.

OKAY! I am so sorry for the lonnnnngggg post. But if you are feeling generous please go donate on my fundraising page! I would like to put together a giveaway for a random donor  so stay tuned for that. If you donate just email me at Findwonderland16@gmail.com. Also if you live near the sacramento area and are feeling like a run, sign up and let me know!!!

Donate Here —> https://runsignup.com/wewillsurvive

Sign up to run here—>http://www.standupplacer.org/stand-up-and-run/

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