Thought Flow…

I am so sorry for the two week hiatus!!! I feel like my life has been a whirlwind the past couple of weeks, but I have about 3o minutes of free time and felt like it was time to check in with my blog.

  1. I am still working on my challenge. I have one week to go before final weigh in. I Have lost 13 lbs through the program, and 5 before I started. (Total of 18 so far!) I need to lose another 7 lbs in order to make it to the next round. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!
  2. This challenge has literally flipped my life around. seriously… when I wake up, when I go to bed…how I work out.. how/when I eat. My whole life has been forced to change in a matter of weeks. I am so so happy that I’m doing  it, but I had no idea how stressful it would be.
  3. Oh! and I had mid-terms last week and the week before that. **Eye roll**

As you can see… I have been a little pre-occupied!!

I’m just going to do a little thought flow here… meaning I’m going to begin typing and just let my heart and fingers figure out what I plan on saying to you guys today; Starting with a little acknowledgment of some ways I have changed in the past few weeks.

I have noticed that in the past 5 weeks, I have been able to handle my emotions a little bit better. Don’t get me wrong, I still had a huge melt down but it was a gateway to a productive conversation with my boyfriend about dealing with BPD/Anxiety and what I need from him when I am having an episode.

Generally I try not to talk about it, and I think a part of me has been in denial. –I actually cannot recall if I ever wrote about this when I was diagnosed back in July, so I apologize if this is all new information for you to digest.– I mean how am I supposed to react when a doctor tells me I have a personality disorder? I think coping with the diagnosis has been my number one struggle. I would like to think that I am perfectly normal and just stressed out sometimes, but then I talk to the doctor –or two, because I wanted a second opinion–and  EVERYTHING they say starts to make sense. It’s horrifying, and also a relief all at the same time.

I am still really not feeling the whole anxiety/depression medicine. I have the pills, but they have been sitting in my dresser for weeks. Pills really scare me; not for any addiction issue or anything like that, but because they are so unpredictable. And I am already so incredibly unpredictable.

How can a doctor tell me to take a pill that could potentially heighten my anxiety/BPD?  I already have an issue controlling my emotions… I know how I feel when I get to a low point… what if the pills take me lower?  What if no one is around when that happens? I am so terrified that I won’t come back from it. —I know, I got real dark, real quick. Let’s just leave that thought alone for now.–

Also talking to people about it?–Psshhh that’s JOKE!. There is already a stigma around mental illness. I HATE when I talk about anxiety and someone just says… “oh yeah I have anxiety when I do XYZ…” No. Just no. Thats anxiousness or nervousness. I understand everyone is different —and who am I to judge–but an anxiety disorder isn’t just…”Oh I don’t want to do something because it makes my tummy uneasy.” Anxiety/panic attacks can be anything from an uneasy stomach, to sweating, stuttering, feeling like your chest is going to cave in, vertigo, tunnel vision, uncontrollable crying, and even feeling like you are literally going to die.

Now let’s throw in something like BPD- or Borderline Personality Disorder. The first thing people hear is ‘personality disorder’—“oh so your crazy?” “So is that like bi-polar? or schizophrenia?” Then they hear the ‘Borderline’ part… “So… only kind of crazy? Are you on the verge of a psychotic breakdown?”–and yes, when I say that, you can definitely hear the ‘Eff you’ in my tone– Explaining it doesn’t really do me a lot of good either,because the words used the most to describe BPD are ‘unstable and uncontrollable.’–People don’t want to hear that you are unstable. They want to know that you are perfectly predictable and normal and boring!–

Someone with BPD generally shows an instability in moods, they (we) are unable to control our emotions. We can look high functioning to outsiders,–I have a job, I go to school…even my closest friends have never seen me REALLY break down– but the people close to us, know what a shit-show we are. —Sorry, honey!– We are impulsive, have self-destructive tendencies, have an intense fear of abandonment. We either feel nothing, or we feel everything. Or how about the paranoia?--yeah that’s a fun one, feeling like someone is always staring and judging you? GREAT for self-esteem…not.–

And my favorite quirk of BPD… no sense of identity. Who am I, what do I like to do, what am I good at, why am I on this planet? Always, ALWAYS trying to soul search because you can never figure out who you are, or simply you don’t like who you are.

Oh! let’s not even get started on the (theoretical?) ’cause’ of BPD.–please see note below– Trauma, abuse, neglect… all of these are indicators that if someone experienced any of these, they are now exposed to ‘getting’ BPD. -that felt weird wording it that way, like BPD is something you can catch… but I guess thats how I feel;  Like I caught this illness…as if it just snuck up on me one day like a contagious sneeze.

So lets put this in a nutshell:

How I feel when I tell anyone –and I’m pretty sure I’ve only told maybe 3 people– that I was diagnosed with BPD:

Me: I have BPD

Person: What’s that?

Me: Boarderline personality disorder (explains what that means)

Person: Sooo… you are crazy, clingy, unstable and cry a lot because someone beat you? But only borderline? You should get over that.

Now obviously the people that I told clearly would never say that, and probably don’t feel that way, but thats how I feel they look at me. I have never even heard of BPD until they doctors explained it. Also, there is ZERO 100% effective treatment. The best options is a combo between heavy depression medication, and behavioral therapy.

Also another blow to my ego is that now on my medical file it has “MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER” written across it.

What because BPD isn’t a real diagnosis? WTF.

I am not scared of my diagnosis, I am scared of the rest of the world’s reaction.

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Note: keep in mind, I could be absolutely wrong in any part of this entry, I am just going off of what I have ben told by doctors, and have read, and how I feel.




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