I am totally stuck.
Feet in cement blocks.
Hands tied behind my back.
I have so much I want to say and so much I want to do, but when I try to put myself into action, my mind goes blank.
All of my rushing thoughts dissipate into nothingness.
I took a short hiatus from my blog, and I find a piece of me is missing. I come back to it, just to see a bank screen, screaming at me to write something. ANYTHING!
I think what I have been really struggling with lately is self-love. This blog has been a tool that allowed me to guide myself into new ideas and gave me the chance to free flow my thoughts out loud.
It’s a place were my thoughts and emotions can run wild. Unfiltered. Unapologetic.
So what happens when you hit a rut? When you aren’t sure what you feel?
You keep going. You persevere.
And that’s what I’m doing today.
Last night I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. It wasn’t a melt-down-crying kind of one, it was the holy-f***-I-think-I’m-dying kind.
I am laying in bed when my heart stops beating–or thats what I thought anyways. Of course that only causes more panic to ensue. I try to take a deep breath but there is such a force pressing down on my chest I can only suck in little gasps of air. I’m thinking…this is it, this is how I’m gong to die! I reached for my wrist to check my pulse. And there it was; the thing that brought be back down to earth. My heartbeat. My wonderful heartbeat. I finally fell asleep last night feeling my heart’s rhythm.
Now fast forward 3 hours.. it’s time to wake up. Anybody that has had a panic attack, knows how mentally and physically exhausting they are. When my alarm went off I wanted to pull the blankets over my head and cry.
But I didn’t. I rolled myself out of bed, dragged myself to the bathroom and showered. I got ready for my day, in pure silence. Even my mind had nothing to say.
On my commute I kept thinking “How am I going to do this today? I have to go work out, then I have classes all day and a test, and so much to do… what can I do to make this work?”
But you know what’s changed from 6 months ago, to today?
Not once did I think “I can’t do this.”
There is a song by Andy Grammar called Lunatic –Does anyone else find the irony in that?– It is THAT song that gets me going, and keeps me motivated to keep pushing for my goals. The chorus is:
“You can do this, you can do this
You are not a lu-lunatic
Crazy would be changing your mind
You can do this, you can do this
You are not a lu-lunaticCrazy would beleaving it behind”
It popped up in my shuffle this morning and I’m 100% serious when I say I legitimately sang OUT LOUD to myself “I can do this, I can do this.”
I know it can feel silly, but sometimes we just need to motivate ourselves to keep going.
Sometimes it takes your own inner strength and a really good song, to keep your head above the water long enough to remember you know how to swim.
Keep swimming, fishies.
PS. Go listen to that song. You won’t regret it.