Perseverance.

I am totally stuck.

Feet in cement blocks.

Hands tied behind my back.

Stuck.

I have so much I want to say and so much I want to do, but when I try to put myself into action,  my mind goes blank.

All of my rushing thoughts dissipate into nothingness.

I took a short hiatus from my blog, and I find a piece of me is missing. I come back to it, just to see a bank screen, screaming at me to write something. ANYTHING!

I think what I have been really struggling with lately is self-love. This blog has been a tool that allowed me to guide myself into new ideas and gave me the chance to free flow my thoughts out loud.

It’s a place were my thoughts and emotions can run wild. Unfiltered. Unapologetic.

So what happens when you hit a rut?  When you aren’t sure what you feel?

You keep going. You persevere.

And that’s what I’m doing today. screen-shot-2016-11-15-at-10-33-24-am

Last night I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. It wasn’t a melt-down-crying kind of one, it was the holy-f***-I-think-I’m-dying kind.

I am laying in bed when my heart stops beating–or thats what I thought anyways. Of course that only causes more panic to ensue. I try to take a deep breath but there is such a force pressing down on my chest I can only suck in little gasps of air. I’m thinking…this is it, this is how I’m gong to die! I reached for my wrist to check my pulse. And there it was; the thing that brought be back down to earth. My heartbeat. My wonderful heartbeat. I finally fell asleep last night feeling my heart’s rhythm.

Now fast forward 3 hours.. it’s time to wake up. Anybody that has had a panic attack, knows how mentally and physically exhausting they are. When my alarm went off I wanted to pull the blankets over my head and cry.

But I didn’t. I rolled myself out of bed, dragged myself to the bathroom and showered. I got ready for my day, in pure silence. Even my mind had nothing to say.

On my commute I kept thinking “How am I going to do this today? I have to go work out, then I have classes all day and a test, and so much to do… what can I do to make this work?”
But you know what’s changed from 6 months ago, to today?

Not once did I think  “I can’t do this.”

There is a song by Andy Grammar called Lunatic –Does anyone else find the irony in that?– It is THAT song that gets me going, and keeps me motivated to keep pushing for my goals. The chorus is:

“You can do this, you can do this
You are not a lu-lunatic
Crazy would be changing your mind
You can do this, you can do this
You are not a lu-lunaticCrazy would beleaving it behind”

It popped up in my shuffle this morning  and  I’m 100% serious when I say I legitimately sang OUT LOUD to myself  “I can do this, I can do this.”

I know it can feel silly, but sometimes we just need to motivate ourselves to keep going.

Sometimes it takes your own inner strength and a really good song, to keep your head above the water long enough to remember you know how to swim.

Keep swimming, fishies.

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PS. Go listen to that song. You won’t regret it.

 

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Ghosting.

I have been ghosting on this blog pretty hard lately. With everything going on (i.e. school, work, politics, mental health), my blog as taken a back seat. School has mostly been the cause of my disappearance. I have about 4 weeks of school left so suddenly I have a million papers, projects and presentations but not enough time! I do however, have a plan for the next couple weeks on the blog:

  • I have another post queued up and will be published on Saturday!
  • mid-December I will be starting back up 52 weeks of gratitude.
  • Come January I will be back on track posting at least 3 times a week 🙂

Also I need ideas! I finished my 6 week challenge, and officially joined the gym, but I am looking for more activities to try. Spiritual, physical, whatever! I am ready for a new adventure. Let me know if you have an idea 🙂

 

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Thought Flow…

I am so sorry for the two week hiatus!!! I feel like my life has been a whirlwind the past couple of weeks, but I have about 3o minutes of free time and felt like it was time to check in with my blog.

  1. I am still working on my challenge. I have one week to go before final weigh in. I Have lost 13 lbs through the program, and 5 before I started. (Total of 18 so far!) I need to lose another 7 lbs in order to make it to the next round. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!
  2. This challenge has literally flipped my life around. seriously… when I wake up, when I go to bed…how I work out.. how/when I eat. My whole life has been forced to change in a matter of weeks. I am so so happy that I’m doing  it, but I had no idea how stressful it would be.
  3. Oh! and I had mid-terms last week and the week before that. **Eye roll**

As you can see… I have been a little pre-occupied!!

I’m just going to do a little thought flow here… meaning I’m going to begin typing and just let my heart and fingers figure out what I plan on saying to you guys today; Starting with a little acknowledgment of some ways I have changed in the past few weeks.

I have noticed that in the past 5 weeks, I have been able to handle my emotions a little bit better. Don’t get me wrong, I still had a huge melt down but it was a gateway to a productive conversation with my boyfriend about dealing with BPD/Anxiety and what I need from him when I am having an episode.

Generally I try not to talk about it, and I think a part of me has been in denial. –I actually cannot recall if I ever wrote about this when I was diagnosed back in July, so I apologize if this is all new information for you to digest.– I mean how am I supposed to react when a doctor tells me I have a personality disorder? I think coping with the diagnosis has been my number one struggle. I would like to think that I am perfectly normal and just stressed out sometimes, but then I talk to the doctor –or two, because I wanted a second opinion–and  EVERYTHING they say starts to make sense. It’s horrifying, and also a relief all at the same time.

I am still really not feeling the whole anxiety/depression medicine. I have the pills, but they have been sitting in my dresser for weeks. Pills really scare me; not for any addiction issue or anything like that, but because they are so unpredictable. And I am already so incredibly unpredictable.

How can a doctor tell me to take a pill that could potentially heighten my anxiety/BPD?  I already have an issue controlling my emotions… I know how I feel when I get to a low point… what if the pills take me lower?  What if no one is around when that happens? I am so terrified that I won’t come back from it. —I know, I got real dark, real quick. Let’s just leave that thought alone for now.–

Also talking to people about it?–Psshhh that’s JOKE!. There is already a stigma around mental illness. I HATE when I talk about anxiety and someone just says… “oh yeah I have anxiety when I do XYZ…” No. Just no. Thats anxiousness or nervousness. I understand everyone is different —and who am I to judge–but an anxiety disorder isn’t just…”Oh I don’t want to do something because it makes my tummy uneasy.” Anxiety/panic attacks can be anything from an uneasy stomach, to sweating, stuttering, feeling like your chest is going to cave in, vertigo, tunnel vision, uncontrollable crying, and even feeling like you are literally going to die.

Now let’s throw in something like BPD- or Borderline Personality Disorder. The first thing people hear is ‘personality disorder’—“oh so your crazy?” “So is that like bi-polar? or schizophrenia?” Then they hear the ‘Borderline’ part… “So… only kind of crazy? Are you on the verge of a psychotic breakdown?”

Umm..no.–and yes, when I say that, you can definitely hear the ‘Eff you’ in my tone– Explaining it doesn’t really do me a lot of good either,because the words used the most to describe BPD are ‘unstable and uncontrollable.’–People don’t want to hear that you are unstable. They want to know that you are perfectly predictable and normal and boring!–

Someone with BPD generally shows an instability in moods, they (we) are unable to control our emotions. We can look high functioning to outsiders,–I have a job, I go to school…even my closest friends have never seen me REALLY break down– but the people close to us, know what a shit-show we are. —Sorry, honey!– We are impulsive, have self-destructive tendencies, have an intense fear of abandonment. We either feel nothing, or we feel everything. Or how about the paranoia?--yeah that’s a fun one, feeling like someone is always staring and judging you? GREAT for self-esteem…not.–

And my favorite quirk of BPD… no sense of identity. Who am I, what do I like to do, what am I good at, why am I on this planet? Always, ALWAYS trying to soul search because you can never figure out who you are, or simply you don’t like who you are.

Oh! let’s not even get started on the (theoretical?) ’cause’ of BPD.–please see note below– Trauma, abuse, neglect… all of these are indicators that if someone experienced any of these, they are now exposed to ‘getting’ BPD. -that felt weird wording it that way, like BPD is something you can catch… but I guess thats how I feel;  Like I caught this illness…as if it just snuck up on me one day like a contagious sneeze.

So lets put this in a nutshell:

How I feel when I tell anyone –and I’m pretty sure I’ve only told maybe 3 people– that I was diagnosed with BPD:


Me: I have BPD

Person: What’s that?

Me: Boarderline personality disorder (explains what that means)

Person: Sooo… you are crazy, clingy, unstable and cry a lot because someone beat you? But only borderline? You should get over that.


Now obviously the people that I told clearly would never say that, and probably don’t feel that way, but thats how I feel they look at me. I have never even heard of BPD until they doctors explained it. Also, there is ZERO 100% effective treatment. The best options is a combo between heavy depression medication, and behavioral therapy.

Also another blow to my ego is that now on my medical file it has “MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER” written across it.

What because BPD isn’t a real diagnosis? WTF.

I am not scared of my diagnosis, I am scared of the rest of the world’s reaction.

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Note: keep in mind, I could be absolutely wrong in any part of this entry, I am just going off of what I have ben told by doctors, and have read, and how I feel.

 

 

52 Weeks of Gratitude: Week Thirteen

This weeks topic is: A challenge you’ve overcome.

The biggest challenge I have ever overcome is my depression and anxiety. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was in middle school. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in high school, and didn’t start medication until college.

That meant A LOT of years of trying to figure out what was wrong, thinking I was crazy, and just plain giving up.

Over eating, not eating…over sleeping, not sleeping…cutting, and even a suicide attempt, were all actions of my mind trying function and make its way though a tangled path of darkness.

My lowest point was in college when I turned to smoking weed, and dropped out of school. Weed was the perfect escape for me. I could feel nothing, yet everything at the same time. It allowed my brain to acknowledge there was a problem, but just as it was acknowledging it, the problem drifted away as the next thought approached. Smoking gave my mind and emotions a chance to slow down, and allowed my body to slow down and relax. I stopped cutting because being high gave me a different kind of control; For a little bit anyways.

After a few months of smoking, my anxiety became heightened. Anxiety attacks became panic attacks, and soon I could not emotionally function unless I was high. I hated it but did not know where else to go from there. For two years I was stuck in that rut.

After a turn of events, I ended up moving back to my hometown where pot wasn’t readily available. I went weeks with out smoking, and gained a little clarity on what I was doing to myself. I did not plan on being completely sober, but then a guy (My boyfriend now) told me he didn’t date girls that smoked. I could already feel he was a good guy, and that if I was going to go after him, I needed to be a good woman; That he deserved the best, so that’s what I was going to try and be. So I stopped altogether.

I started working harder at my new job, and got promoted to full time. I started doing online classes at the local community college. –I still didn’t trust myself to walk into a normal classroom with out a panic attack.– I finished 2 semesters online and then made the jump to a classroom. Suddenly options were opening up again. I had a few classes until I got my A.A. then I could transfer back to a 4-year university.

Fast forward to today, right now…. I’m sitting in the Starbucks on campus of a 4-year state college, working on my blog because I finished my homework. –Yes, I know I have other things to do, but hey I’m human!– I am back where I want to be with school, I only have 2 semesters left until I have my first bachelors.  I don’t smoke. I am off medications. I feel like I could take on the world now.

The last thing I am working on that has been affected by my anxiety is my weight. I have already talked about what I am doing Here and Here!

I am so proud of myself for overcoming depression, and I do feel I have actually overcome it. I still have rough days, but I am no longer turning to self-mutilation, or substance abuse to deal. I am keeping my chin and heart held high, and dealing with the speed bumps as they come.

5 years ago if you would have told me I would still be walking this earth today, I would have laughed at you. Now, I not only look forward to my future… I am excited about it.

Life is good.

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Don’t Wish For it; Work For it: Update.

Okay Lady and Gents, I have officially started this challenge. On Sunday I went to another orientation where they explained the meal plan and did our measurements and our first weigh in. So let’s be real about how the challenge works:

You drop about 500 bucks (that’s your motivation!) But you can get your money back if:

You lose 20lbs AND

Obtain a healthy BMI OR Obtain a healthy Body Fat Percentage.

The catch is: If you lose 20lbs during the 6 weeks, but don’t achieve a healthy BMI/BFP you get automatically rolled over into a second challenge (another 6 weeks), where you are expected to loose another 20lbs AND reach a healthy BMI/BFP. As long as you keep losing 20lbs, (but not the other 2) you can keep getting rolled over into another 6 week challenge, and once you lose 20lbs AND healthy BMI/BFP during a challenge, you get your money back. NOW….If you don’t lose 20lbs each round, thats it. You are done, and you don’t get your money back. So you have to go into the challenge understanding these conditions, and also understanding that if you are a heavier person like me, you will probably have to do more than one round to get your money back.

I weigh 176lbs going into this thing. I know after the first round I should weigh a max of 156, and after the second round I should be around 136! I am actually hoping to lose 25lbs per challenge so I can lose a total of 50lbs.

The meal plan is pretty straight forward. The give you a list of all the food you can eat, along with spices and condiments too. The list has 2 sections: Foods that are the best for you, and foods that are good, but not the best.

They also give you a class on supplements and when/why to take certain ones. I actually found it super helpful.

Lastly they give you unlimited access to their gym, and to their coaches. Today was my first day working out, and I have never walked away from a work out smiling and being stoked to come back. Its been about 2 hours since I finished the work out and I am starting to get sore, I know I will be taking a epsom salt bath tonight! But I had fun!! the coaches were goofy and helped me with my form, and high-fived me when I pushed myself. They challenged me, and made me want to try, and told me it was okay to slow down when I had pushed too hard. I have NEVER felt so loved, and un-judged in a gym.

I know I may not be this excited every day, and I’m sure it will get harder, but today… I am proud of myself. And I am happy that I decided to invest in myself.

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Taking Steps Forward

Okay guys! I am starting another fitness adventure! This morning, I officially registered to run a 5k race! I am excited for the race because:

  1. it will get me on the track to train for the half marathon in Big Sur
  2. because this race is for a cause that I want to be apart of.

The race is called the Stand up and Run 5k/10k+Fun run. The purpose of the race is to empower survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking.

Back in June I posted about rape culture. I touched on the fact that I am a survivor of sexual assault. So I would like to talk a little bit more on the topic.

The first thing I would like to say is:  writing about this topic is extremely difficult. Of course the actual thought of that night is horrible in itself, but what is the most difficult is how to word it, or how to talk about it. When I talk about events in the news, or in a strictly intellectual context, I will use the word rape, molest, sexual assault, etc. But when it comes to myself… Something stops me from being so direct.

I use words and phrases like… “that night”…”It”…”This topic”…What’s hard to say and/or type is one phrase: I was raped…. yep, I can feel you cringing because I am too. rape is such a harsh word. I feel like I always have to be careful when I am talking about it because it feels like people act weird once you say that word. I know people get uncomfortable with this topic because they may not know what to say or how to act, but I also know that my own insecurities alter the way I talk about it.

I feel like minute I say that word to someone, sh*t suddenly gets real. All the sudden, it’s not a topic I’m discussing on an intellectual level anymore. It is now personal, invasive, and I’m suddenly vulnerable to looks of pity and questions I am not prepared to answer. its all done with good intentions, but I still get nervous talking about it on a real level.

Also, I have no idea if I’m just imagining the weirdness or if I’m subconsciously judging my self. While I do understand that it wasn’t my fault, sometimes I forget and have to remind myself that I am not to blame. So for the sake of getting real and uncomfortable I am going to use the word rape.

I would like to give a little back ground information as to why this run is so important to me and why I would like to not only run in the race, but why I also want to fundraise for it. **Warning: it is some intense stuff**

So here we go:

In 2011 I was raped.I had been dating this guy for a week or so,he was supposed to be my boyfriend, but when I didn’t want to have sex with him, he decided to do what he wanted anyways. I had planned not to tell anyone, but then a group of his friends approached me at work to ask me why I was such a slut… how could  I “hook-up” with him, and then let him go to a party on my campus  to hook-up with other girls. I was pissed, hurt, and humiliated… I couldn’t believe that after what he did to me, he had the audacity to tell men on base that I was a slut.–looking back, I can’t believe I was shocked over that.– I lost it. I broke down and told them (and my manager) what really happened.That the bruises weren’t from walking into a door, and that I never gave him permission to touch me. I think that was the first time I saw that look of pity that I hate so much. The guys that had approached me obviously felt like asshats, but also had no clue how to react. Although I didn’t want to tell anyone, my manager convinced me the best thing to do was to press charges, to prevent this from happening to anyone else. I knew she was right, and I was ready to take a stand. Long story short, his dad had a lot of pull in the military, and the charges were dropped. (Which of course messed me up)

I have also dealt with other abusive situations and relationships. A date where a guy thought it was funny to put me in a head lock and choke me in a movie theater because I wouldn’t obey him. –yep I said obey, like I was a dog.–  When I flat out told him I would pass out before I obeyed him, he held on for a little bit longer until he saw I wasn’t going to back down and then let go. Needless to say, I ran for the hills.

The last abusive relationship I was in was the hardest. It didn’t become abusive until I was already head over heels for the guy. For the first few months of the relationship he put up this really sweet demeanor. He was a professional manipulator. He would cheat then make me believe it was my fault. I wasn’t in control over my body or my mind.  Even years after dating him, he would get me to feel sorry for him. It took a lot of time to realize that I did nothing wrong in the relationship.

My whole point of sharing this much detail about my past is to show that rapists can get away with their actions,  –we all have seen this in the news recently– there are still people out there who think its okay to use intimidation to control their significant other, and just because someone’s not hitting you, doesn’t mean it’s not an abusive relationship. We need to stand up against these people and let them know that we, as a society, are not tolerating it anymore. We also need to stand together and offer a support system to the people that have endured this kind of trauma. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have a support system back then.

OKAY! I am so sorry for the lonnnnngggg post. But if you are feeling generous please go donate on my fundraising page! I would like to put together a giveaway for a random donor  so stay tuned for that. If you donate just email me at Findwonderland16@gmail.com. Also if you live near the sacramento area and are feeling like a run, sign up and let me know!!!

Donate Here —> https://runsignup.com/wewillsurvive

Sign up to run here—>http://www.standupplacer.org/stand-up-and-run/

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52 Weeks Of Gratitude: Week 7

Hello!

I know its Tuesday…I’m slacking! I got a new job,  so I have been training while still working my other two jobs. After next week I will officially have only one job!! —and then of course school starts up again in two weeks.

OKAY! … 52 Weeks of Gratitude: Week 7: A friend.

I am going to talk about this friend via two short stories.

Background information: We have been friends for 15 years, so she is more than just a friend to me. She is a sister.

Story one:

I had a day off this last Monday, so rather than netflixing —Yes, it is in fact a verb– alone all day, I decided to call my best friend to see if she wanted to hang out with me. She was doing some stuff around her house so asked if I wanted to come see her instead.

Now… I LOATHE the drive to her house. She lives about an hour away and the only way to get to her is by using three different freeways and a bunch of winding back roads. Oh! And her drive way is so steep that when I try to drive my little 5-speed car on it , my car overheats and shuts off.

Regardless of all this, I decided to shove my anxiety of driving aside, and said “okay!” I am so happy I did. It was such an outstanding day! We went swimming for a little bit, then drove into town —Im not kidding..she lives in this charming little country town– so we could stroll around and enjoy the shops. We found an adorable book store that was a maze of walls filled to the brim with books. At every turn there was another pathway of bookshelves that led to another room with more bookshelves!

After an afternoon of walking she asked me if I wanted to go see her boyfriends parents ranch; I thought… sure why the heck not?! Again, I am so glad I did. It was beautiful. We got to hang out with her guy for a little while. I got to pet the horses and play with the dogs. —I felt like a little girl in a candy shop!—

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Then…. (Story two):

On Wednesday we decided to have a little mini-road trip and drive to Santa Cruz for the day. One of the things I love most about her is that she is always down for an adventure. There have  been times where I have called her and said “Bri… I need the beach. Now. Wanna go?” And she will hop in the car and drive 3 hours with me just to sit on the beach for 2, and then drive back home.

I think the drive to the beach is what I subconsciously need. We spend all three hours talking about our past, present, and future life… The choices we have made that have led us to where we are… Where we want to be. And of course there are the minutes where one of us goes “Okay no talking I like this song!” and then you find two girls belting some Dixie Chicks song at the top of their lungs and cracking up at the goofiness of it all.

Both of us are people who are always going non-stop. For her its living every moment like its her last…Never stopping, and always looking for the next adventure; sometimes a little recklessly. For me..I’m always looking to the future, planning my next step to get to my goals and sometimes I forget to live in the moment.

We actually have matching tattoos. Hers says “you keep me safe” and mine says “you keep me wild.” She reminds me that its okay to just let go sometimes and be a wild child. I remind her that even though living each day like its her last is fun, that she needs to make sure she’s still being safe. —I would like her to be my friend for at least another 15 years!–

When we finally make it to the beach there is some light talking, but that’s our few hours to slow down and soak in the beauty. I think we are drawn to the ocean because it is this alluring, powerful force that is the perfect balance of recklessness and reliability. There is an element of fear when looking at the ocean, yet it has the power to calm your soul at the same time.

I feel like the ocean understands me. It is this captivating energy that looks all put together with it’s steady rhythm of waves but there is so much more to it than that. There is the undercurrent, chaos, darkness but also beauty and light. There is so much the world knows about it, yet there are things that it still hides away, that people have to dive really really deep to find.  —I promise that is the most hippy thing you will read from me….okay probably not!— And I think my friend can relate to that as well.

Needless to say… I am so thankful for this girl. We bicker like sisters and drive each other crazy, but she is my everything. She has outlasted any Boyfriend I have ever had; she has outlasted my own family! She has been there for me 100% through every step forward —and backwards!— in my life.

“A friend is the person who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

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Sore. The Most Satisfying Pain.

Hello Friends!

I have a new work out to add to my list of new activities! So I know we all see those work out DVD’s and think… I will look like such a goofball doing that stuff! Do they work? Can I do that?  Well the first one is true, but let me tell you… I haven’t been this sore from a work out in a long time!

What is this work out DVD I speak of?

Surprise! its not a DVD, its like the netflix of the work out world. Its called the Daily Burn. (http://dailyburn.com) It’s a streaming service that offers a plethora of work outs. Right now they are offering a free 30 day trial. (after that its 14.96) They also have a premium plan that gives you more content. (26.95 a month)

Out of all the different options, the program I chose was called Inferno. My boyfriends mom did the work out with me, and while I think that program was meant for people with a little more experience, we definitely had fun.

The work out was about 30 minutes. there were items you needed for the work out (like a step-box) but we just used our own body weight. That being said…I WAS SO SORE after the work out. It’s been about 2 days since I completed it and I’m just now starting to get the soreness out of my legs and arms.

While I did feel like a complete goofball, I had a ton of fun and the work out was extremely effective. I would like to try a couple more before I make up my mind on the service itself.

Here’s my list of pros and cons:

Pros: I’m sore aren’t I? That means it worked! It is super convenient, you can literally work out any time, any where with this service. It eliminates excuses about not having time;  30 minute work outs are extremely doable.

Also I like that it offers programs like yoga 🙂

Cons: I didn’t like that you had to have work out gear. If I’m doing a home work out, I don’t generally have a step-up box, or dumbbells, etc. It would have been nice for them to use household items, or no extra equipment. Now again, this video seemed to be for people who already know how to work out and are somewhat in shape so that makes me think those people probably have something like a home gym… but then the other side of me feels like those aren’t the people using this service….hmmmm. Things to think about.

I plan on doing a few more work outs, and then I will post a final review and also decide if I will keep the subscription or cancel it before my 30 days.

Keep on pushin’ for your goals,

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I Came, I Saw, I Made it Awkward.

Recap: I received an awesome opportunity to work in a yoga studio once a week, and in turn I get paid via unlimited hot yoga! It is called the the Yoga For Trade (YFT) Program. You can read more about how I got to my current point Here.

On Thursday I had my first training session at the studio. I was really nervous because no one knew what I looked like, and typically this program is for already established yogis. Needless to say, I am not an established yogi, nor do I have that physique.

Let’s just start with my drive there… I’m already nervous so I put the address in my GPS (I know generally where its at, but have not actually seen the studio in person) to find the quickest route. Well my GPS takes me to some random residential street and tells me I have arrived. –Siri, you are a dirty liar!–  Now I am panicking a little bit, because now I am getting short on time. I decide to just trust my own mind, and get myself to the shopping center where I have seen the signs for the studio. One would think that once you get into the shopping center, it would be simple to find the store you are looking for…Not so much. I drove around the entire center, and finally at the end I found the studio.-Nowhere near the street sign for it.- If you know me, you know that I am usually early everywhere I go, like 15-20 minutes early. Luckily, I had made it right on time.

OK! I’m at the studio, slightly stressed and nervous, but there. My trainer jumps right in, showing me how we have to go to each room and start the heater and humidifier so that the rooms are ready for the first classes in half an hour.

One problem, you cant wear shoes in the rooms…. and I happened to wear tennis shoes that day.

Great..now I’m this awkward chunky girl who is fumbling to get her shoes off, while the trainer stands there and waits patiently. OHMYGOSH WHY CAN’T I MOVE ANY FASTER! Finally the shoes are off, and we go into the room and do what needs to be done, now onto the next room.

…but wait, my shoes! Do I put them back on, just to repeat that whole fiasco down the hall? Do I just walk around barefoot? Is that weird? So I just grab my socks and stick my feet in the shoes and kind of shuffle down the hall until we get to the next room.

At last, we are done with the rooms! I decide the best plan of action is to put my socks in the cubby with my yoga mat, and then loosen my laces and just wear my shoes like slip-ons. Easy enough.  The rest of training went smoothly, and I didn’t have any more hiccups with my wardrobe.

After training, I was told I could take a class. I walk into the room and lay out my mat in the back of the room.-no on can see me struggle back here! So HA!-  yeah… so the class started to fill up and I noticed that no one is sitting on my side of the room…. Then the teacher comes in and sets her mat to the right of mine. Cool. I had the layout of the room wrong. So now I’m not only NOT in the back hiding, I am now in the DIRECT FRONT NEXT TO THE INSTRUCTOR. I really just want to cry at this point.

But then I said: “Self: Suck it up! The whole point of doing this is be better, and to get out of my comfort level. So what if I’m in front?! This is a hard class, and if someone has time to laugh at me for struggling, then they aren’t doing their best. So rock it, girl.” (<–That’s the legit pep talk I had in my head… you’re welcome for that insight.)

And just like that, I did an entire 60 minutes of hot yoga in front of a handful of people. You know what the cool thing is? I enjoyed myself. I felt energized and accomplished after the class, and I was able to laugh at myself for being so on edge earlier in the day.

Monday I have my second day of training, and will be added into the system so I can take classes regularly.

I think the moral of this story is: Don’t take yourself too seriously. You are not that cool. Also… put yourself out there. If you want to see change, only you can make that happen.

Stay awkward my friends.

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The Answer is Always ‘no’ When the Question is Unasked.

So the past couple weeks have been full of working and hiking, and no so much trying new things. I haven’t even followed up on my Spin class post! There’s actually a reason for it! About three weeks ago I hurt my shoulder while I was at work -I know… super lame.- I had to go to the doctors and everything. At first they thought I tore my rotator cuff, but after a couple physical therapy sessions, they were pretty sure I just strained the muscles in there.  Its starting to feel a lot better, and hopefully tomorrow the doctor will clear me to start using my arms to work out.

With that being said, I have found myself a new adventure! Something I used to do periodically while I lived  in Monterrey was Bikram Yoga. Its a 60 minute yoga session in a heated room -about 105°- with 40% humidity. Bikram is all about focusing on slow movements and your breathing. Each class consists of the same 26 movements, but the point is to become more flexible and be able to move deeper into the position.  It is a challenging class, but you feel so relaxed and refreshed –all while dripping sweat!- once the 60 minutes is up.

The reason why I could never commit to it, was because it’s so dang expensive!! I mean its understandable, they have to pay an electricity bill that constantly heats a room to the correct temp, they have to have be able to properly clean it and make sure there is no bacteria growing  (heat+humidity+sweat=yuck).

Frequently, I check prices at my local studios to see if they are doing any deals for students, or new sign ups, etc. Well,  the other day I stumbled across a program my local yoga studio has. It’s called Yoga For Trade. Basically you agree to work a four hour shift, once a week with a four month commitment, and for as long as you are there, you get unlimited yoga classes!! The down side was that you had to have already been a member with them for 6 months to be eligible.

I was so sad for a minute, but then I decided I would apply for the program, and in the “about me” area, I would explain to them why they should make an exception and allow me to participate in the program.

I was pleasantly surprised when the director of the program responded back with in 24 hours, and said that she would love to have me at the studio.

That’s right…I’M IN!

I am extremely nervous because: Number one: I just made a 4 month fitness commitment. Number two: They have no idea what I look like, and it makes me a little scared to walk in next week, not looking like your typical yogi-girl.-more like yogi-bear, ha ha-  And finally number three: Hot yoga is HOT, meaning the tighter the cloths, and the less you wear, the better off you will be… and lets just say there’s no way in heck that I’ll be wearing booty shorts and a sports bra…. I need to take a trip to target and get something that will work with the heat, but not completely expose me!

On a more positive note; This studio does more than just hot yoga. They have hot Pilates, a bunch of other types of yoga, and also heated and non heated boot camp classes.

So let’s review: I put myself out there and took a risk because I wanted something badly enough to not accept the first ‘no’… now I have opened my opportunities, to not just one new activity, but multiple!!

I start training on Thursday, and then from there out I can start participating in any of the classes! Yay!!

Namaste 🙂

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